Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Cutting Grass

I am tired of cutting grass. As soon as I cut my lawn, it begins conspiring to grow back. Within days there are blades of grass poking up here and there, taunting me, saying "Here We Come....we're back!"

This would be funny if it were not for.... well, no, it's not funny. There's nothing funny about it. There are more of them than there are of us. Grass wins hands down. It's everywhere. Even concrete doesn't contain it forever, because soon there are blades of grass arising from the cracks and crevices in the concrete. It may slow down, turn brown, and lay dormant all winter, but it is still there, in the soil, planning it's next attack. The roar of lawn mowers doesn't phase it, in fact, it may actually think we are giving it a haircut. "Gee, thanks for the trim, now I can really put all my energy in growing even more!'

But I have a plan. I may never have to cut my grass again. It's a well thought-out plan. It's based on clear well-established scientific principles. It's the announcement of a Bi-weekly Olympic Grass Cutting Championship to be held at my house. All lawn cutting services are invited to participate. There is a $40 entry fee to take part, with the winner to get a trophy that costs $20.

The Bi-weekly Olympic Grass Cutting Championship Games are to give local lawn mowing services a chance to compete in the sports arena, showing their dedication and expertise at grass-cutting excellence. Yes, this athletic competition will give them the opportunity to showcase the finest in their grass cutting skills.

Participants will be judged on their thoroughness, neatness, and grass level results (where's that micrometer?) I will judge their efforts while sitting on my deck sipping on a glass of lemonade. I may never have to cut my grass again if this Bi-weekly Olympic Grass Cutting Championship really takes off and there are lots of participants eagar to show their prowess on the field.

I may not be able to use the word Olympic. That might be copyrighted or licensed or something like that. So I may have to change it to the World Championship of Grass Cutting and Lawn Manicuring Competitions. Maybe there will be teams from other countries trying to take part, like Sweden. (Does grass even grow in Sweden?)

Plans are not complete yet, but I will send out notices when it is all ready. In the meantime, it looks like my grass needs cutting again. Where is the lawn mower? I remember leaving it wherever it was the last time I collapsed from heat stroke in the yard.